17 April 2001: 00:38

"Boys & Girls" by Hamasaki Ayumi

>> Okay I'm determined to make regular updates on this. Anyway I have a feeling that all this is gonna end up in the archives before people actually see it. Oh well.
>>Fontaine, thanks for encouraging me to start up my webpage. I knew I wouldn't have the motivation to do this over break, but now I want to get the blog part up at least by the end of April. Hopefully before my first midterm. It won't be complicated like Vanity and Suspicion, et al. However, I think it'll be pretty enough. ::prays::
>>Protein diet sucks. I can't stand refraining from grains. Everything good is made from grain. (Ice cream is an exception.) But still. I'm dying here. All in the name of greed. My mom wants me to lose 30lbs and then she'd finance a whole new wardrobe. ::sigh::
>>Dern you Rebecca! (And Cath!) I'm getting hooked on CLAMP. Especially X/1999. It's waaaaaay too cool. I love bishounen. Fuuma, Sorata, Yuuto…all so dern yummy. And Arashi and Sorata make a nice couple! (I'm not into that yaoi thing. I'll choose to ignore it. Not like CLAMP makes any distinction on destined couples.) Heck, I'm even rooting for Karen and Aoki Seiichirou.
>> Among new obsessions…I'm totally into Outlaw Star. It's sort of similar to Lost Universe, but it's different enough to distinguish itself from LU. (Yes, I do like Gene and Melfina together, bite me!) I'm not sure what's so interesting about it, there's some plot holes, but I think it's the characterization that's getting my attention. Anyway if you like action, spaceships, and don't mind nudity (it's not for the sensitive) check out Outlaw Star. Heck the dub isn't half bad. Gene sounds funny, but all dubs do.
Sunshine-chan: skipping off into the sunset

12 April 2001: 22:30

"Give a Reason" by Hayashibara Megumi

>> Okay, so I've been bad and not update this blog. But anyway I want to offer a belated apology to Noelle. You don't deserve any crap I threw at you. You are a good person…I'm not. So "genki dashite."
>> Spring Break came and went. I didn't do anything terribly special. I saw a lot of David…I'm not sure what this means, because I honestly don't agree with everything about him. But it was fun to see everyone again. Cath and I had tons of fun…heh heh. And Annie's new boyfriend isn't so bad. He's a nice fellow…crazy…but nice guy. I hope they stay very happy together…not too happy if you know what I mean…
>> And congrats to Kim…she also snagged herself a boyfriend. (Wow, Spring Fever at its best.) Leonard…who pissed me off over Rei V. Asuka stuff…you better be good to her…other you'll have to deal with me at practice. I'm not afraid to kick yer ass. So (as Perry would say,) "watch yo' back."
>> I've finally started Kashima Shin Ryuu. It's much like as I predicted. No surprises…except for the bokutou. It's a lot thicker and bigger than I imagined. I have trouble hanging onto the handle. (My hands are too small.) Hopefully I'll grow into the bokutou. I'm really quite surprised. They let me practice today, which was great because I was already to go. I got a brief overview of bowing, and requesting to practice. (Bow once, hands together, bow again, clap twice.) The terminology still escapes me, but I'll try my best. Hong was nice enough to be my first instructor. I think I learned to be menacing from him. ^__^ Next I learned advancing. Mugaidai is the first stance with my bokutou lowered and right foot forward with most of my weight on it. Everything is in nice 45 degree angles. To proceed with the kessa I raise my arms, leading with the left and my bokutou still parallel to my foot. Then I swing the bokutou around my head in a counter clockwise motion. (And I'm advancing one step.) The strike is supposed to be a "slash" motion across the chest. Once completed…continue the kessa with the opposite direction and an opposite slash.
>> Okay I'm bad. I really haven't started on my website. I still I want to do it, but I gotta learn myself some HTML. It's really stupid of me to go into alone. Anyway hopefully I can put together something by the end of this month.

Sunshine-chan: skipping off into the sunset

15 March 2001: 08:39a

"Change the World" By V6

>> Wai! Inuyasha opening! I love V6's voices. So pleasant. ^__^ So much for the more positive entries, but something else nagging at my mind. (Gawd, I'm turning into Ally McBeal.)
>> "Hey, do you have a date for the formal?" "Yeah, I do! My computer and I have a date on Saturday night! Hahaha!" Yeah that now I think about it, it was lame of me to say that back in high school, but at the time I was thought it was funny. (It still is to a certain extent.) Sadly enough, I'm feeling the want for a relationship. It just sucks that how everyone is always hooking up and stuff. Heck, last night I just realized that Chris Chang might even have a girlfriend now. I know. We all know the traumatic times he had in high schools with girls. But anyway I just wanted to say I don't know what love is. In Kim's site she has this quotation, "If tomorrow never comes, would you know what love is?" At first this never bothered me until yesterday when I realized that I wanted someone to comfort me. (in a romantic way. No offense tomodachi…kimitachi wa atashi he supeshial da yo!) In high school I thought that if I were a "challenge" to guys it might make me more "appealing." It works in anime! Anyway I was wrong. It backfired. Everyone thought I was a bitch. Since leaving high school on that note, I was determined to be nicer. It's hard to judge your own progress, but I think I've accomplished a bit. Perhaps I need to lose my sarcastic edge. Now there's a start! Not only that but I haven't met any guys that attract my attention. All Asian guys look the same so with Asian guys it's more about their personality. White guys…it's hard to separate the nice ones from the frat boys, jocks, and jerks. So I haven't been moved to impress anyone. Anyway, I'm digressing! I just want to resolve that I'm going to try to be nicer and perhaps meet a guy.
>> Ultra special note: I doubt that Brian Chan will be reading this webpage/blog thing because it's just me and I don't live up to his standards, but I do want to wish him best of luck with his ex-girlfriend. And that someday he finds happiness. (And not with her.) If by any chance Brian you read this, I'm trying to be nice. (You know, being genuine.)

sunshine-chan: skipping off into the sunset

14 March 2001: 14:17

"Sakura Saku" By Hayashibara Megumi

>> Ahh the Love Hina opening song. A good one to relax too. I just realized that reading the past entries of my blog that they have all been depressing. No uplifting news. So feeling better than yesterday, I'm going to report happier stuff.
>> This summer, my parents said that a trip to Taipei/Tokyo was possible! I was totally excited because not only do I get to visit relatives (collect belated birthday/New Years money…) but I get to go SHOPPING! I love shopping. I miss that art. I guess it's because I'm such a cow that I don't fit into anything anymore. Well my first million is going to my liposuction anyway. Heh heh. I'll report about my body image thing in a moment. Anyway shopping. I want to check out all those kick ass Tokyo t-shirt shops and stuff. (I have a fetish for screen printed t's.) Anyway my point…there has been a change in plans. It turns out I'm going alone. All by myself. Usually this would be a good thing, but I'm in a foreign country for godssake! I could possibly navigate Taiwan, but Tokyo? Man. I hope Miho doesn't mind babysitting me and taking me everywhere. >.< But the big plus: NO MOM TO TELL ME I CAN'T BUY STUFF!!! ::sana face:: Too cool. So in the end it's gonna work out, afterall I'll have 3 years of Japanese and hopefully I can navigate myself around the subway systems.
>> I'm going Kashima Shin Ryuu this spring quarter! It's about time that I get in shape. Hopefully that with all the practices and stuff I'll get in better health. I don't know why but my summer jogging failed and walking around Westwood isn't good enough. I've been watching my eating habits lately and it's hard. You're so limited at school and it's tempting to eat "bad" foods since it's so available. Anyway Kashima Shin Ryuu is a sword club (think Kenshin) on campus. It's the only one in LA too. So I'm missing out if I don't join. The coolest part: I get to play with a sword! An actually shinai!!! Too cool!

Sunshine-chan: skipping off into the sunset

13 March 2001: 23:58

"Kettobase!" By Utada Hikaru

>> "Another day has changed my life…warui ne" God, I love this new Hikki song to pieces. (BTW, the title means, "kick it away.")
>> Lately, I've been doing okay. I've had a few shuffles with my mom. I'm not sure why but I think it has to do with the fact that I'm growing up now and that I have to take responsibility. It's been utterly annoying since I don't like to act my age.
>> There's something bigger bothering me. I think it's because I feel like my family hates me. It's probably not true because every parent loves his/her child. However, it's really depressing when you hear the gossip that your own mother tells your brother. Well, it's not really gossip, but still it's more of "bitching about your eldest to your youngest." And the biggest blow is when your brother participates in the conversation. I just feel like no one's trying to help me. I'm sarcastic by nature. It's not my first instinct to see "good." I lean towards pessimism. Being Asian almost makes you a "downer" by definition. I don't remember anything nice my mom's ever said to me. But whenever I go home, I feel incredibly disappointed and weary. It's just this feeling of failing my mom that hangs over me. Because all I ever wanted to hear from people is praise for me and I got jealous if someone other than me received it. So now I have my biggest challenge…impress my parents one day.

"Appears" By Hamasaki Ayumi
>> Second note of the day, lately there has been propaganda for the repeal of SP1 & 2, which will basically bring back affirmative action into the UC system. I usually wouldn't care because I'm in UCLA already and I'm just not political and crap like that. However! I feel need to speak about affirmative action now. Deep down inside, I'm against it. The idea of racial diversity is great. I have absolutely no problem with that. But when it comes to education and college admittance processes, the selection process needs to be based on merit. It's not fair to the competitive student who attends a competitive school to be cut out simply because s/he is not a "super" minority. Most likely this competitive student worked really hard in high school to boost himself into a top tier university. Don't get me wrong. I'm not implying that the "ghetto" student doesn't work hard, but to select someone because of race is only promoting racism again. It's prejudice in a new sense. Artificial racial diversity. On a personal level, I am Chinese. Trust me, Chinese people are not a minority at UCLA. (Nor in the UC system for that matter.) It's probably safe to conclude that I was admitted into LA on my merit alone. That is supposed to be the fruition of my high school career. "Well what then do you suggest?" It's hard for me because I'm not certain how this would work. But I would probably propose that UC Regents admit a certain percentage of students from each school based on class size. That way you can get the crème de la crème from each school. And possibly help maintain semi racial diversity. But in reality it is the government's responsibility to help "ghetto" schools reclaim educational excellence.
>> Wow. I had tons to say…I ought to update this more regularly than every few days.

Sunshine-chan: skipping off into the sunset

06 March 2001: 00:41

"Ultra Relax" By Shinohara Tomoe

>> What a perfect song for this moment. I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed that I knew the guys from Weiss Kreuz. I remember flirting with Ken behind a couch. (I was standing behind the couch while he was on the other side.) As shoujo as it can get, he kept telling me things I wanted to hear. (I distinctly remember him telling he liked my smile and me blushing really hard at that comment.) Well Aya and Yohji came home and my dad did too (separately) and I ran to greet my dad who told me to server something to our guests. I served coconut which is strange, because I -hate- that stuff. Anyway I handed some to Omi and the others, when Ken comes in a tuxedo with a glass of wine. (You know, like he was ready for prom.) I was getting excited until I saw a bishoujo (gorgeous girl) behind him who was also dressed up. I put two and two together and then I shoved the tray (that was serving coconut with) at Ken and ran away. Oddly enough I heard Omi say, "Shouldn't we chase after her?" Anyway later I found myself in a blue room (which was decorated to resemble a wishy-washy atmosphere, like I was in the sky or underwater) crying and watching a Hole music video. (Specifically, "Malibu.") Tell me is that the strangest dream? Because when I woke up I remember feeling totally heartbroken and depressed. I need therapy. I'm dreaming about anime characters and getting upset over them. Hahaha. Kimberly suggested that I was fearing rejection. Jennifer said it was weird that I was serving coconut to nice guests whom I don't hate. Anyway I do have a date for this coming Saturday. Could it be there's something approaching that I'm getting negative vibes for? Oh god. But still it was a yummy dream despite the fact I got rejected by a fictional character. o_O;;

sunshine-chan: skipping off into the sunset

06 March 2001: 00:32

"Iiyudana" By the Love Hina Girls

>>Gah. Birthday went and passed. I'm too old to save the world! What will I ever do? Well I'm closer to 21 now, I guess that means sake for me! ::evil grin:: Just after my birthday I realized how many people remembered and stuff. It was one of those special moments. To everyone who remembered: arigatou. I almost forgot what it was like to be loved. I worked so hard to make myself stronger and be more selective about friends and stuff that I convinced myself that I was unlovable. I admit that in high school I was unnecessarily harsh to many people and I purposely made myself like that. It was also some twisted ass thinking that if I were the ideal anime girl (independent, but weak in private moments) that I would get the ideal anime guy (caring, supportive) only that my man would be real instead of on paper and ink. My plan worked too well. I scared everyone off. I was to filter people, to give people a sense of mysterious aura about me, to get people to notice me and to finally win that guy who wanted a challenging girl. This is -prime- example of my twisted thinking and another plan that worked too well. I guess I have to start from scratch again. >.< What puts this over the top is the fact that my family doesn't love me either. My mom finds me bitchy. My brother hates me. My dad wouldn't speak to be for 2 weeks. Now what am I supposed to do? Honestly now. I lost support from my foundation. As you can see I have my road laid out for me. Wish me luck.

sunshine-chan: skipping off into the sunset

28 February 2001: 13:16

"Ride on a Shooting Star" By the Pillows (FLCL Theme)

>> I think what made today worse was the fact that Friend 1 and I aren't talking like we used. This is certainly a strain. I'm not happy about this. I want to do something, but I don't know what; and I'm scared that it's not the right move. I hate uncertainty. Makes me irritable. Now we're all pissy. And what I think it worse that my decision might make things worse too. >.<

sunshine-chan: skipping off into the sunset

28 February 2001: 12:57

"It's Gonna Rain" By Bonnie Pink (Rurouni Kenshin Ending Song Number 6.)

>> Gah, I feel terrible. Don't you hate it when someone bursts your bubble? I had one of those moments. Considering that everyone I know will be reading this, I'll try to briefly describe the situation: At the beginning of the year, I was depressed because I wasn't making any new friends. I was feeling totally alone and lost. Bless my little heart! I made a friend. She's totally cool and we clicked well. (Remember this was back in October 2000.) Anyway we immediately made plans to room together for the next school. Another friend, whom I've known since high school asked me to room with her as well because originally we were going to have 4 people, but the 4th person couldn't make it into UCLA by fall quarter. So we were stuck with 3 people to work with. At school, when you're living in a dormitory, you obviously want to get a double your 2nd year here. (Because if you don't have to live in triple, then don't.) Anyway since the new friend asked me first, I told the second friend that if Courtside stays open then I would stay with the new friend, because she asked first and it was only fair. Everything was going good. (We hit a bump later, but it was resolved.) Friend number 2 asked me about the rooming situation again. Suddenly my anxiety comes up. It hit me that I wasn't thinking back in October and I rushed into things. I started to worry about compatibility since I thought it wasn't issue. Well duh! It's an issue now! I've had time to get to know the new friend. We're compatible enough, but anyway I started to freak out. I started to change my mind. I brought it to the new friend. She wasn't happy with this outcome. She wanted to warn her beforehand about my feelings. Now I'm totally and completely frustrated and lost. People really ought to come with emergency instructions. I'm not a social person. I find it hard to socialize. More importantly I had problems with communication. Also I have problems saying "no." I just can't refuse certain things that I need too. I must have insecurities that if I continue to do whatever people want, then I'll be loved. "May if I don't say anything, no one will think bad of me." I still haven't changed from high school. I'm still that doormat, who's just more cautious about people, who backstab everyone. In the end, everything that we all tried to avoid happened. I didn't want anyone upset. Friend 1 and Friend 2 are in limbo for roommate decisions until March 1st when I tell everyone my own decision. We're all unhappy about this.
>> For those who care, I still haven't decided whom I want to room. Each person has pros and cons. Although the second Friend gave me the best advice: "Do what's best for you."
>> Notes to first and second friends: I'm sorry that I made this "public" on the net. It's not meant to hurt either of you or to paint a bad picture of anyone but my retarded personality and myself. sunshine-chan: skipping off into the sunset

Sometime in January

>> I'm going to start a weblog like everyone else! Isn't that great? I think it's actually going to be good for my head and soul. Just because I've always had problems communicating my -true- feelings to that person directly. (In fear of that I might sound like a hypocrite, racist, retard, any other negative term you can think of that would fit in there.)
>> For those who don't know me, this is one of the best ways to understand me and get to know me. Reading other people's blogs made me feel like I could sympathize and understand their feelings.

Sunshine-chan: skipping off into the sunset!